This morning, I was awakened by a dream and this dream remained crystal clear as the sleep state faded. More importantly, the intense feelings that I had in the dream remain. Not for me to attach to, but to provide me with the clarity I would otherwise find in several hours of therapy. The feelings were powerless and hysterical.

The abridged version of the dream was that I was at the airport with my daughter, Kaya, and two of her aunts, waiting to board an international flight to Europe somewhere. We were all happy and filled with anticipation for the trip. The three of them boarded ahead of me, and just after my boarding pass had been scanned, I looked back and saw that Kaya had left her carry-on bag and all its items on a chair in the boarding area. I turned back to retrieve it and was collecting everything, putting it in the bag, but more and more items kept appearing. The bag was absolutely stuffed when I was finished, and I was frustrated with her for obvious and familiar reasons. I turned back to the boarding gate to see that the door was closed. I ran, pounding on the door (seeing a man on the other side of the window), screaming, “please let me in! My daughter is on the plane! Please re-open the door!” He just looked at me, appearing calm and resolved. And the plane pulled away from the gate. I knew it was over. And the plane departed. Without me. There was nothing I could do, no way to change it, and no way to solve it. I could only sit with myself and my immediate instinct to buy a ticket and get on the next plane to follow them. And then an unwelcome voice of wisdom told me that there was no need for me to go. That in fact, it might be better for them and for me if I didn’t.

So here I sit at quiet dawn, grateful for the clarity and guidance that has been coming to me these past months through my dreams. And meeting the truth of what is happening in me and the life that surrounds me now. In truth, life today is incredibly good and far beyond what I ever could have imagined just a year ago. The storms were formidable, the release of deeply held grief and sadness agonizing, and the surrender to life on life’s terms a hard-fought battle. Today, Kaya is coming up on 7 months clean and sober.  Little by little, her self-esteem and true identity shine a little brighter. Our relationship continues to heal and deepen and trust with each other grows each day. The loss of my relationship has evolved to a place of acceptance, peace, and gratitude for the deep and tender love experienced. My new vision for work has crystallized and aligned opportunities are beginning to manifest, as I get to work with gifted partners. Family, friends, pets, and I are healthy, which I never take for granted. Perhaps most importantly, my spiritual life has moved back to center. Faith in the higher order of things I cannot see or know and trust that I receive and experience everything taken care of. Today, I have everything I “need”. Of course, all the “wants” tease and taunt, but there is nothing more that I need in this moment.

So, what of this dream? What is the meeting of truth today?

The truth is that a huge transition is underway, and I have no ability to control it or count on it going the direction I want. In fact, what I want for myself relative to this transition fluctuates day-by-day. This week, Kaya will re-enter the world of school and structure after a year of turmoil, repair, renewal, and thankfully biological maturation! She has decided to complete her high school requirements at a local community college. If it goes well and as “planned”, she will receive her high school diploma from Bainbridge High School, and she will earn college credit simultaneously. (That was not a motivation but is a bonus.)

In theory, this is the beginning of her natural and normal separation from me.  Her claiming of independence and developing confidence, being truly in charge and responsible for her choices and actions (I’m not even allowed to do the paperwork!). We all want this for our kids, but I’ve learned that the hardest part is not for her, it is for me. The letting go is hard, not so much on the physical plane, as her teenage years have more than readied me for my own independence and freedom again. Largely the result of the overbearing, over functioning I have imposed through most of her life, which contributed to her rebellion, anxiety, and mental health challenges. The hardest part is facing the fear in me. The fear of not being there to help when she needs me; not being able to fix things when she makes mistakes; not being able to take away the pain of life’s heartaches (which is laughable in the first place), and above all else, not being able to keep her safe. Safe from all the things in life that could hurt her, and safe from all the things in life that I would judge as not good for her. And that, I have learned this past year, is the crux of my own dysfunction and co-dependence as a parent.

Thanks to the incredible counsel and parent coaching classes (Rawly Glass/www.intra-connected.com), along with some therapy and 12-step work in Al-Anon, I have learned and begun to truly integrate new ways of interacting (and even more importantly – not interacting with my ‘wisdom’ and opinions/judgments). I have learned to stand back, shut up, and be available when she decides she needs me to be available. I have learned that my ability to keep her safe really diminished back in early childhood once she could walk, and absolutely ended when she entered teenage years. I have also learned and ultimately come to believe that:

1. I am not my child.
2. My child is not me.
3. My child is not a reflection of me.
4. What other people think about my child is not a reflection of me.
5. What my child says about me is not a reflection of me (bad or good, darn it!).
6. And the hardest pill to swallow…that I am a good parent. That one took a while.

Most of this growth has taken place in the incubator of our home, although, it’s been incredible to experience the impact of giving Kaya more freedom (full use of the car, driving in Seattle, going to spend time with kids in recovery in Seattle, going to concerts in the city on her own or with a friend, etc.) and the resulting responsibility and trustworthiness she has demonstrated. The other monumental gift has been the restoration of emotional trust of me from Kaya. It has been slow, hard, and like building a muscle that didn’t even know how to operate. But the payoff so far has been learning not just how to be in relationship with my daughter, but how to be in healthy relationship as a mature woman with other adults. I get to practice with family, friends, and hopefully one day another love partner.

So, again I ask myself, what of this dream? What is the meeting of truth today?

The struggle of life is real. And the joy of life is real. And the journey of a conscious life means that for me, the willingness to continue facing and working through struggle is directly and proportionately correlated to the intensity of joy I get to experience. Learning and practicing is one thing. Watching your daughter fly away into her own life on her own terms…terrifying. And, I will always be ready and willing to get on that plane, if and when she asks me for help. One more golden nugget from Rawly, that I have post-it noted all over the place because it is a mind-bender for me; “help is ONLY help, IF it helps!” (And that is determined by the ‘other’.)

Today, I will focus on Trust in the higher order that I cannot always see, and Acceptance as the manifestation of true love.